I remember my first beer...

One of my favorite law school distracting hobbies is perusing the website "texts from last night." For anyone who happens to be outside of the loop, the website is basically a collection of random text messages usually detailing some outlandish, bizarre event. Some texts are funnier than others, some just make you feel sorry for the person, and some just make you wonder. For example: "(203): i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool." It's not funny, but how can you feel sorry for the person? After the third time (and prior to the fourth), the person clearly assumed the risk of it happening again by not remedying the situation. Common sense would suggest perhaps hiding the cooking spray would be a good idea. Like I said, some of these just make you wonder.

Pertinent to this blog, the following text deserves some in-depth analysis. "(214): Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent." First, and of particular note, the text comes from a Dallas, Texas area code. Not sure why that's relevant, nor will I say anything suggestive about Dallas. Why? I'm not one to mess with Texas. Not because everything is bigger in Texas, but just sort of a general rule I have against making jokes about post-Civil War era states that have contemplated succession from the United States.

Second, the author of the text (who we shall call "Mr. 214") would lead you to believe that if a single guy spends $100,000 to go to law school, you will get laid a lot more than you did before law school. This clearly is not true for the middle 90% of single guys. Nothing about law school turns you into a stud. You either have the goods before you walk in the door or you don't. Sort of like Chris Farley's attempt to become a Chippendale's dancer. Some of us (like myself of course) have the goods, minus law school or not. Surely law school is a deterrent and closes otherwise opportune moments, but to say law school gets me "laid about 10 times more often than I did before" is unrealistic, if not impossible.

The exception to this rule is the 10% of single guys that before law school, had little to no success with the ladies before law school (not including those who make the decision to abstain from sex prior to marriage). The stereotypical person in this groups makes it his plot to get with other girls, but ultimately fails. He has a sex count greater than or equal to zero, but not quite two. While Romeo Crennel (if he went to law school) is definitely not part of this 10% group ("If I knew [what to do after a women turns me down], I'd tell you, but I don't know"), a logical explanation shows why Mr. 214 fits the mold.

Assuming Mr. 214 had sex once before law school, and then proceed to have sex 9 more times, he would have raised his sex count to 10. This amounts to a ten-fold increase...not entirely impossible. Had Mr. 214 had sex five or even ten times before law school, now a ten-fold increase gets him into the range of 50-100. Increase that to 15 or 20, now we're talking 150-200. Not impossible, but highly implausible.

But let's look at this from another standpoint that ultimately solidifies our conclusion regarding the type of person Mr. 214 is. First, who brags about their sex count? That's like bragging the next day about how many beers you drank or shots you did after your "legendary" night. What is this, amateur hour? Second, who feels the need to exclaim they had to pay $100,000 in order to have sex? Clearly people like Mr. 214, who are so desperate to have sex (because they've never had it but are dying to) they will pay for it. Third, only those who have sex for the very first of times feels the need to share it with his friends. We all remember the instant urge to tell our closest friends about our first time. It's what men do (click here for a list of other things men do).

In short, by sending this text, Mr. 214 revealed to us he's the type of guy that (1) brags about his sex count, (2) is so desperate (from never having had sex) that he was willing to pay $100,000 to increase his sex count, and (3) is so lacking in sexual encounters, he feels the urge to tell a friend when he stumbles across a few. Unfortunately, the public imagines the typical law student to be like Mr. 214. While they may be true in some instances, it's definitely not stereotypical of us all, especially those of us who come across more like Christian Bale.